I love tattoos, but when it comes to perfection, symmetry and straight lines, the tightness of a gnat’s asshole does not begin to describe the depths of my anal retentiveness.
Just the thought that someone who thinks kerning is the newest viral attempt to replace planking might be writing letters on another person in permanent ink makes my skin crawl…
A Word About Fashion
Is there a law that everyone in the tattoo world has to try their hardest to look like the community colouring book in the kid’s corner at the dentist’s office?
The skill of a tattoo artist is not directly proportional to the amount of tattoos the artist has or the gauge of his/her piercings (lol 2003 called…they want their bone plugs back…). It wouldn’t be so bad if the tattoos were actually GOOD but most of these artists run around like a billboard for what looks like the work of a 15 year old in his mother’s kitchen with a mail order tattoo gun.
I’m not saying everyone needs to wear pearls and cardigans (and the ones who do are usually more annoying than the colouring books…)…I am saying that if an artist has high standards concerning their own skin I’m more likely to think they’ll respect mine.
You know that part of summer where you get change gears from Joe Capobianco’s fucking annoying ass rockabilly hair and uniform of bowling shirts to Dave Navarro’s annoying ass split ends and effeminate sunglasses….? It’s tattoo reality show season!!!
Ooo Dave Navarro is so cool because he wears an ankh and a sterling silver Ouija board pointer…dude’s not wearing sunglasses ’cause he’s a rock star…it’s to hide the crow’s feet. No, I’m not joking. He’s fucking 46 and still sings songs about cocaine. I bet he’s pissed off that Eric Clapton won’t retire so he can corner the market on cocaine crooning (last alliteration, I promise…rofl). Clapton’s fucking 68 and still sings songs about cocaine. HA!
So what’s the difference between Best Ink and Ink Master? Best Ink is the Tattoo Magazine show. Ink Master is the Inked Magazine show.
Other than that you’ll get to see a bunch of industry veterans act like a bunch of elitist douchebags when they themselves couldn’t throw a line I’d want within 10 feet of my own skin. Just because you’ve been doing something for 30 years doesn’t mean you’re good at it.
Contestant Quality Control
I really want to know how they find these people because I think instead of scouring the continent looking for the best to compete, the casting director goes on Yelp.com in a few major cities and picks people based on reviews, age, fashion sense and body mass index.
Usually each season has 2 or 3 good artists. Everyone else is just filler and at the end they had the one that sucks least a big cardboard cheque…
So Tatu Baby got the best tattoo with this gimp handed gypsy:
I mean you would think, in an industry that prides its self on a brutal rite-of-passage type master/apprentice structure, that something as fundamental as anatomy and perspective would be required before one could move on from “apprentice” status…
Tatu Baby has good raw talent. She just needs some guidance.
Sometimes I feel like masters nowadays hold back from their apprentices (and not just in the tattoo profession…) so that they can always be just a little bit better than their progeny…where as maybe 25 years ago something like that would have been unconscionable.
I’ve watched every tattoo reality show (when I said I watch a shit load of reality television, I meant elephants with laxative laced peanuts have nothing on me…) and for having recruited the “best” from “around the country” I’ve seen people walk away with shit spelled wrong, shit backwards and just plain shit.
Seriously, one asshole contestant actually tattooed the time HE was born on HIS client! It’s almost like these shows are a “who’s who” of walking, talking red flags and embarrassments to the industry.
They should call these shows what they are…it’s more like “MasterChef” for tattoo artists, not a best of breed competition.
My Picks for Best and Worst
Here are MY picks for best tattoos from episode 1:
I don’t have any favourites from episode 2’s anatomical challenge because if I was a judge I’d have sent them ALL home and re-cast the entire season. That shit was embarrassing (take a look). Ok the arthritis guy’s hand tattoo was good but he’s going to have to get that white touched up to maintain the look…judging by his condition that’s just a little bit fucked up (and by a little I mean a lot). Tattooing is more than just pretty pictures, an artist has to consider what’s best for the client too…
So…who do I think should have gone home? The bald chick with the Hello Kitty bow tattoo on her forehead, Miss Maddie. Please. Before she does this to any more people:
To think she’s been doing this to people for FIVE YEARS is almost as criminal as the fact that she thinks she’s good. Sure, she’s passionate…which is the perfect prerequisite for a good apprentice not a contestant on a reality show where the prize is “Ink Master”… For once the judges are right, she is severely outclassed here.
Who is a real ink master? Those guys on Tattoo Nightmares. Every week they turn out some sick and impossible cover-ups. That Jasmine chick is amazing.