RHOA: Miss Phaedra Parks gets Donkey Booty Busted

Phaedra must have a Blackberry.  Didn’t anyone ever tell her that Donkey Booty and Blackberry don’t mix?

Ok, so there’s this company called Apple, no it’s nothing to do with diet food I think it was an allusion to the whole Adam and Eve thing.  Oooo we’re the Apple, the knowledge, the forbidden fruit.  Holy shit I just realized that Steve Jobbs might quite possibly be the first documented hipster.  Oh hell.

Well anyway, they heard the cry of donkey booty everywhere.  Buttons!  Fucking buttons!  (pls don’t give us another flip phone, the cases are so not cute).  It was donkey booty dial mayhem!  Oh the horror!

Apple worked tirelessly, they spent billions (ok maybe not that much) of dollars developing superior electronic devices for that elite group of women with *ehem* ample assets.  Sometime in August 2007 there was a disturbance in the Force.  No, it wasn’t Alderaan, it was thousands of Steve Jobbs fanboys getting trampled as millions of voluptuous women pushed them out of the way to purchase the first iPhones.

Ok so maybe that last part didn’t happen.

iPhone, the official Donkey Booty Phone since 2007. Image via att.com

Oh, the freedom to carry a cell phone in a back pocket without fear of  it somehow becoming a James Bond device.

So I guess Phaedra butt dialed a friend of Nene’s and it went to voicemail while our bootylicious barrister (holy shit dat alliteration!) expressed how much she really cared about Cynthia’s presence at her son’s musical dolphin broadway birthday party (you read it right the first time).

Kim hates me…Phaedra hates you…you know, the usual. Oh, you didn’t know? Here, listen to this…

Nene wins friend of the year.  Again.  Awesome.  No big surprize there.

Also no big surprize: armed with irrefutable evidence in the form of a voice recording, Cynthia proceeds to confront Phaedra *wah wah waaaah*

Stir drink (check), lean forward (check), look perplexed (check), give a girl credit, it’s hard to look this confused when someone is asking you a question in plain English.

Well it’s no secret that when caught in a lie, our favorite Southern Belle, Esquire (ofcourse), is a “deny ’till you die” kind of gal.

While I love Phaedra, the lies are not cute…they’re just obnoxious.  Really, cut it out!  Yes, I realize telling a lawyer to stop lying is like telling a politician that he can only have sex with his wife.

Dearest Phae Phae:  Everyone says “fuck” (i guaran-damn-tee everyone except my great-grandmother) and it’s fun to watch you play at being demure but you are dangerously close to crossing that line where you start to believe in your character to the point where you get wrapped up in obsessing over making sure everyone around you believes it too.  Ooooo Phaedra pls don’t cross that line, I love you too much and it’s annoying and not fun to watch (*ehem* Kyle, I’m looking at you miss “Amazing Grace”).

Cynthia’s ‘confessional’ reaction was quite fitting, and actually matched my own:

Couldn’t resist making a visual representation of my reaction to the entire episode…Nene’s somewhere in the background, pretending to be a lamp.

Sometimes it almost seems like Nene keeps Cynthia alienated from the other ladies on purpose.  It’s totally not cool.  Nene is a very posessive friend, Cynthia is very passive.  I wonder how long the friendship would last if Cynthia ever disagreed with Nene.  This is not an invitation to share a “token disagreement” at the reunion or with @bravoandy on whatch what happens life.  I won’t buy it.

By the time the reunion airs, I think we’ll be hearing some version of the following:

          “Well a little white lie is better than hurting someone’s feelings or ruining a friendship.  Honestly, at the time, I didn’t remember the conversation Cynthia was asking about until it was too late.  Sometimes I might feel hurt over a situation and sometimes I might vent about it in frustruation to a mutual friend.  Like writing a letter about how you feel and then burning it.  You vent, you feel better, no one gets hurt and life goes on.  It never really occured to me that there might be anyone involved in the friendship between myself and Cynthia.  Unfortunately, sometimes it’s hard to forget that when talking to Cynthia it almost feels like there’s an invisible Nene sitting next to her.”

Damn that was smooth.  Feel kinda like Lando Calrissian after typing that.  If u like Lando, this post of Lando Calrissian’s Love Lessons is <3.

“You old smoothie!” Lando Calrissian greets Princess Leia while a jealous Han Solo lurks in the background.

Phaedra’s good at telling a lie but her followthrough leaves a lot to be desired (if a lie was ever desirable to begin with, ugh).  If this becomes a major plot line this season I’m going to have to vomit.

Phae Phae pls do your donkey booty a favor and get your silly self (i kno) an iPhone…

if you insist on keeping a Blackberry…put a damn lock on it!

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