Project Runway Allstars S2E2…Panic at the Disco

Pictures and critiques of every designer’s work.  What a fucking freak show of fail (alliteration again, holy shit someone stop me!). Sometimes I wonder where the hell they find these people.  Sure there are some jewels and then there really are some boogers.

Ever since Lifetime took charge of the show it has been pretty easy to figure out the winner before the finale.  *ehem* Anya *ehem* Gretchen *ehem* the only thing interesting about them was their haircuts.  Mondo got robbed.

Anya couldn’t sew and her collections were pretty much a whole lot of fabric wrapped around people…and fact that Gretchen won basically told me that for all their attempts to seem “in touch” with the “hipster” side of the garment district, no one on the judging panel has ever shopped at Urban Outfitters or American Apparel.

Sometimes I almost feel like they’re all Parsons Alums who threatened a CLASS ACTION lawsuit for unfair representation of employment potential…and were offered a part on Project Runway as compensation for a non-disclosure agreement.


Meet Kanye Gillaspie:

“I have to miter the stripes of my knit fabric, evidentaly it takes a lot more fabric to do that…”

Yeah I don’t know where you went to school for fashion design but if you’re just now figuring this out, I’m pretty sure you could successfully SUE FOR YOUR FUCKING MONEY BACK.  That being said, the result was pretty spot on:

After fearing a shortage of material, Kanye’s “Make it work” moment was pretty fucking J-Lo-Tastic!

This guy’s execution is spot on and he can sew.  I’ll reserve my judgment with regards to his design ability.

I only took a picture of Laura’s design because I said I’d post all the designer’s work.  Here it is:

If I say this is boring as fuck will you read me for stating the obvious?

Yay, sequin jacket and slouchy horizontal striped knit pantsuit.  I’ve never seen this before.  *Yawn*

Next victim, Suede:

Suede’s idea of disco involves external darts and drowning a model in 15 yards of lame (pun intended).

Dear designers everywhere, please STOP PLAYING WITH EXTERNAL DARTS, they’re vulgar.  Sincerely, Women everywhere.

Thank you.

So I don’t know what stereotype everyone was drawing from but sometime during the Disco era there must have been a shit load of fuschia dyed silk jersey knit.  The following three looks can not be unseen.  Fortunately only two will scar you for life, unless, ofcourse, you wear a bra, in which case you might want to avert your eyes.  You have been warned.

Moving on to Althea:

Can someone please tell me what the fuck I’m looking at…

Did Monster High do a merger with Legally Blonde and commission Miss Althea Harper to design the outfit for Cleo DeNile (daughter of the mummy)?  Because unless that’s what this is (holy shitballs, I started a sentence with a preposition), I have no idea the potential audience for this mess.  That being said, let me put in a formal request for a Monster High challenge.  OMG! (Oh My Ghoul!)


Poor Andre:

A draped no-sleeve turtle-neck with a scoop back and a high waisted pencil skirt hemmed below the knee? Really?

The illusion of long legs, no tits and wait, do those shoes have a top strap?  Way to amputate her at the ankles.  Fucking-A.  Way to make your model look like her ass is 25% of her figure’s height.  I’m guessing there’s some manner of hook and eye/snap (or, considering the time limitations, velcro *shudder) closure hidden by that hair otherwise I’m not quite sure how the hell she’s going to escape from this prison of purple (alliteration again, I know).

Ok, well no, this isn’t ok.

So on to the next one…here’s Cassanova:

It’s a dress, and you can also use it to hang your houseplant!

While I don’t remember “70’s knotwork” I’m pretty sure it didn’t resemble a the web spun by a black widow on crack…

I almost shit a brick when one of the judges said they wished they could see it ‘longer’.  Really?  Long sleeves, boatneck and long hemline?  At the disco?  All of a sudden I’m starting to thank goodness I wasn’t around for the ’70’s.

When I saw this dress come down the runway, I was like, didn’t I see that silhouette on the Jersey Shore circa 2009?  Long sleeve, boat neck voluminous top tight mini?  Duh.  The polyester knit version of this dress (expect less knots in the back but still the inability to wear a bra) comes in a box and is “one size fits all”.

Moving on to some bright yellow, may I introduce you to Emilio:

Another model wrapped in a shit load of really fucking ugly fabric. The attempt (I use that word loosely) at symmetry on the upper bodice is painful to look at.

When the designer said this dress looked like “liquid gold” I was forced to question his visual acuity.  Hang on, let me buy 20 yards of baby puke yellow silk.  Suspend a poorly lined top seam from two fuchsia straps, tye it around her neck and waist and call it a fucking dress.  If only he’d made those straps blue, then I could have actually called them painter’s tape!!!  The only thing stunning about this piece is that the model can wear it with a straight face.  What a professional!

Ok, no more fuchsia, but we’re not out of the woods yet.  This is Anthony Ryan’s masterpiece:

“…it’s definately a cocktail look…”

Yeah, absolutely, if you are going to a NASCAR themed cocktail party, the premiere of “Gone in 60 Seconds”, a Milles Bournes game party, about to be the flag girl at an illegal street drag race, oh you get my point.  The only place this dress might be considered ‘high fashion’ is at a Halloween party…or an art gallery opening inspired by Rascal Flats’ “Life is a Highway”.  Ok I’m done.

You were supposed to be inspired by disco, not roadkill… Photo by Sean McAfee via ABC News.

Perhaps it was a frock ripped directly from the headlines…kind of like an episode of Law & Order but with more roadkill, well, now that I think about it, yeah, just like an episode of Law & Order, roadkill included.  Clicky for the full story.  Now I’m done for reals.  I promise.

It’s understandable how all of this could be visual overload so I’ve condensed the last two boogers into one picture.

Miss Ivy and Wendy, A.K.A. Lady “Glue Gun Party” and Madame “1995 Called…they want nothing back”:

Target circa 1995 meet Target circa 2005. Respectively. Now please GTFO, it’s 2012 and this is Project Runway. Thank you.

Poor Wendy Pepper (pictured left) her description of the outfit was inspired, she took the “belt” elements of the 70’s and turned them into some “hip” side chain and halter accessories.  She made the bell bottom jeans into bell bottom tightpants.  The problem?  THIS IS EXACTLY HOW 1970’s STYLE WAS ‘MODERNIZED’…………….in 1995.  Although I’m not really sure where the fuck she got those Madonna circa 1984 gloves from, my guess is that although she was ‘there’ she probably doesn’t *ehem* remember much.  *headdesk*

Equally unfortunate Ivy Higa channeled more of a sexy grecian version of an Ann Boelyn costume than an actual dress.  Why all the hot glue gun hate?  It’s not hate, here they are hard at work:

Oh hi, we’re in a competition about high fashion, will you help me hot glue these rhinestones to the front of my dress?!? LOL I can’t make this shit up!

Oh and to make matters worse, they only had enough time in arts and crafts land to hot glue gun the front of the dress so the back had no crystals on it…like one of the judges pointed out, a cheap version.  Essentially Ivy (with the help of two other competing designers) made a knockoff of her own design.  That has to take some sort of skill.

Ok you’ve suffered long enough.  Here are the NON-boogers!

Joshua’s pantsuit:

Holy shit, something I can’t buy at Target!

I love the design of this piece.  The execution is also fantastic.  Joshua can design AND sew.  That’s it.  Fantastic.  The inability to wear a bra is made up for by the fact that the lines are actually interesting and many women could go topside commando in this because it seems like Joshua can sew and would therefore have lined this ensemble.  The colour…eh, but then again some women probably wouldn’t mind looking like a life-sized Tiffany box…

The only look of the evening that I’d actually buy off the model, and the actual challenge winner, Uli:


I really like the direction Uli has taken her style.  Sure, she can wrap a model in 15 yards of draped silk chiffon like anyone else, but she can also design a structurally sound garment and execute it reasonably well.  Here’s a better picture:


She was so worried that she’d miss the challenge.  Uli grew up in East Germany, which was so fun I mean communism was a party every night.  Not.  She was alive but her government prevented her from ‘living’ the 70’s disco era.  While it was completely by accident I agree with the judges.  This dress SCREAMS “Gypsies Tramps & Thieves” era Cher.  I’m so glad she won.

Oh, I almost forgot, I guess these dresses were supposed to be inspired by a 70’s collection of Nine West shoes.  Whoever was the creative consultant/director on that one failed miserably because I totally forgot this had anything to do with Nine West.


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