MissUndercity

ANTM: Kelly Cutrone is a Pirate Hooker and Other Shit I’m Going to Miss Now that Cycle 19 is Over

Ok, the ANTM sesaon is over and Season 20 promises *ghasp* men.  Lame.  I don’t hate men but they have this obnoxious tendency to work together and support each other.  Doesn’t exactly make for good tv.  #justsayin

So here’s some of the shit I’m going to miss now that Cycle 19 is over.

Kelly Cutrone’s Pirate Hooker photo

This photo, every week, in the opening credits.  I’m going to miss it SO FUCKING MUCH.

PR Maven…or salty sea dog in disguise? You be the judge.

I just have so much fan fiction in my head involving Kelly’s swashbuckling adventures.  The fact that the red, yellow and greens to her bottom right (in the trash bags/idk what props) vaguely conjure the mental image of a parrot make this picture fucking gold.

I know she picked it because the shadow under her cheekbones probably only showed up in this one frame.  Either that or she and Aviva Drescher (our one legged neurotic NY Housewife) have more in comon than just a zip code.

Kristin’s hateful rants.

I think this chick got a bad rap.  Sure she’s a mean girl but she never hit anyone I just remember her talking a lot of shit with Laura (the winner) about all the other girls.  At first I was like, woah wtf is wrong with you.  Then I was like, hahahaha omg this chick is funny as fuck.

You know how you get stuck in situations where you realize you’re way to fucking smart to be there and you have no one to relate to so you just sink into this black cesspool of dripping hate for everything because you know there’s no escape for a while.  Yeah I think that’s what the whole ‘reality show experience’ was for Kristin.  I think this quote about Leila (of course not to her face) pretty much sums it up:

“You are a monkey bitch who popped out with a goddamm gap. I don’t want you here…!”

Say what you want about Kristin but as far as I remember she never said anything emotionally damaging to anyone’s face or got physical.  She just threw a lot of dirty looks, rolled her eyes and not so secretly hated everyone.  She’s like incogneto goth girl who shops at Forever 21 & I enjoyed her.

Bryanboy’s attempts to be more than just the token blogger

That’s it.  I really have nothing else to say on this one.

That creepy ass photographer/katy perry stylist guy touching the models

Did anyone else get the vibe that at least one of the models was going down on this guy at any point in time?

I don’t remember which girl this is, but here’s Katy Perry’s stylist smacking her ass at the photoshoot.

Yeah.  I can’t believe I’m the only one who noticed this or was at all creeped out by it.  If I’m not mistaken, ass smacking is only appropriate in professional sports…

The only thing I want to know is, wow your Mongolfiere tattoo and nod to Soviet nautical style are so deep, shit now I want to go down on him too.  Just kidding.

Kiara’s Rant

“FUCK YOU, FUCK MOM, FUCK MY SOCIAL MEDIA SCORE” ~KIARA

You go girl, I couldn’t agree more.

Victoria being Victoria

So these girls are fighting about My Little Pony.  I guess the girl with headdress thinks Pinkie Pie is better than Rainbow Dash and that really pissed off the girl with the long hair, who thinks Rainbow Dash is the best pony (and rightfully so).  Ok so I honestly have no idea what the fuck (did I just type that out, in the age of the internet, wtf is wrong with me) they’re fighting about.  One of them is Kiara, I think the other is Alyssa and the girl in the middle is Nastasia?  Don’t quote me on that.  I can’t believe the fuzzy mouth isn’t Kiara!

This is exactly what it looks like. A female reality show dominance ritual.

The funny part isn’t the fight.  It’s Victoria’s uncanny ability to say what everyone’s thinking:

“You bitch! No ur a bitch! No, I’m a real bitch! That’s not an argument!”

I know she’s coo coo for coco puffs but I fucking love Victoria.  She does the best she can with what she’s workin’ with.  The way she would say ‘mom’ when she was on the phone made my hair stand on end.  It’s not her fault her mother crippled her for life.  Period.  One day I hope Miss Victoria finds herself.  Her real self.  It’s a long and terrifying process when one becomes aware of and subsequently attempts to recover from codependency.  I wish her only the best.

**********Last but not least**********

Kiara’s Grandmother

Unconditional love is beautiful in every language.

I’m not sure Kiara ever realized this but from an outsider’s point of view, she has something that Laura doesn’t have.  Think about it.  Laura’s parents are an actor and a model but she had to go on a reality show to prove to them that she had what it takes to enter the industry.  That’s pretty fucked up considering all they had to do was pick up the phone to make their daughter’s dreams come true.  Even though she is an adult, her parents didn’t approve of her choices.  What if Laura hadn’t won?  I doubt her mother would have had the same reaction.  She probably would have said, “Well that didn’t work out, what are you going to do now?”

It’s like your mom is the world’s best marinebiologist, and you love the ocean and you want to be a marinebiologist too but your mom, who thinks she became a marinebiologist so that you wouldn’t have to doesn’t want you to be a marinebiologist.  So no matter how fucking much you LOVE the ocean and want to be a marinebiologist, your mom thinks you only want to do it because she did it, not because it’s actually your dream.  At every turn your mother tries to turn you on to other stuff, tries to make you feel like marinebiology is beneath you but at the end of the day, you fucking love sea turtles.

Kiara’s parents aren’t in the picture but the woman who raised her (her grandmother) has always been supportive of her dreams.  Kiara’s had to struggle for her dreams but she always had someone behind her saying, “I believe in you, live your dream!” I think Laura would trade all the money in the world for that.  Laura’s parents said, “I believe in you, but trust us, you can do so much better/that’s not really your dream/that’s not a career, it’s a hobby!”

That being said, I still think Kiara is the better model and should have won.

Not looking forward to next season’s men and the personification of homosexual stereotypes that might emerge.

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