Meet America’s Next Top Model

Ok this season’s first episode was just as crazy as any other…not crazy as in exciting, crazy as in just plain crazy.  Senseless screaming from adult women over another adult women etc.  Tyra doesn’t own an applause sign she has a scream your ass off like a horror movie bimbo running up the stairs sign.

Either that or it’s a microchip she implants in ANTM hopefuls’ brains, secretly pressing a button in her weave every time she walks into the room.  I’m going to go with the scream sign, it’s a more reasonable assumption considering the apparent production budget.

So let’s meet Miss Ivory Hallstein:

Savor this moment, I’m about to open my mouth in 3…2…

Gorgeous bone structure, graceful limbs, classic sense of style, perfect candidate yes?

Not really sure a caption could possibly do this justice…

Tyra’s face when:

If Tyra’s speechless, you’ve gone too far.


Meet Miss Jasmine.  She’s a kitten.  No, really, she’s a kitten, and when she’s happy she’s like “meow meow mew mew meow” and when she’s angry she’s like “MEEEEEWWWW!” *insert angry downward vertical claw like gesticulation here*

This is exactly what it looks like: Jasmine’s angry meow.

Ofcourse Tyra didn’t want to be upstaged by cat woman:

This is not a smize!

Needless to say miss fist and miss kitty didn’t make it.  Honestly, with the desperately codependent internet co-ed who thinks everyone who doesn’t like what she looks like is racist because of her Native American and Jewish heritage, the producers really hit the jackpot with respect to socially awkward gold…

Unfortunately she skews more “creepy as fuck” than “funny as hell”…


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